Showing posts with label Hillary Clinton. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hillary Clinton. Show all posts

Thursday, December 24, 2009

White Coffee

Since the change of government in Madagascar in March 2009, the country and its economy have been perched on the edge of a very steep cliff. The United States has repeatedly threatened to revoke Madagascar's AGOA eligibility which would destroy at least half of the textile industry here, eliminating as many as 50,000 jobs and returning perhaps as many as 300,000 people to poverty. AGOA - the African Growth and Opportunity Act - is a US law passed in 2000, mainly for the benefit of the petroleum industry, that allows thousands of African exports to enter the US duty-free. Thanks to AGOA, in petroleum-free Madagascar, a quarter billion dollar textile industry blossomed over the last decade.

My colleague and friend John, who heads the exporters' association here, went to Washington in April to plead Madagascar's case with the US Trade Representative's office and other government agencies. Their advice was to put pressure on Madagascar's clan of Hatfield-McCoy politicians, get them to play nice and return the country to constitutional government as soon as possible. Barring that, it would be game over for Madagascar.

Me, ever seeking windmills to tilt at, got involved in the fall of 2008 with the creation of an American Chamber of Commerce in Madagascar. When only one other American citizen showed up at a crucial steering committee meeting, I wound up as president of our newly formed association. Then came the events of January, February and March 2009 and quite suddenly I found myself talking politics and economics with folks at the highest levels of business, government and civil society in Madagascar. When the US said it would not talk or deal with the folks who took power in mid-March, my involvement grew even more as unexpectedly I found myself an intermediary talking to both sides but on behalf of neither.

It was a bit more than I volunteered for, and volunteering is what I have been doing.

The last ten months have been among the most stupefying and frustrating of my life, and I am someone who has worked for the US government and so am familiar with stupefaction and frustration. Despite trying every trick in and out of the book, and the impending demise of US-Madagascar relations, the pleading, lobbying, petition gathering, press conference holding, late night telephone talking that John, I and others had engaged in had advanced the prospect of saving the country's economy not a millimeter.

We would hold our last stand in Nairobi, at the annual AGOA Forum, at the beginning of August. Hillary Clinton would be there. The US Trade Representative would be there. Members of Congress would be there. Everyone who was anyone, plus a lot of nobodies, would be there. We would make the case one last time.

However, when John went to Washington in April to make the case the first time, bureaucrats were unmoved by his six-foot several inches height, thinning straight hair, and pasty white complexion. Despite his having invested 20 years in developing Madagascar's textile industry, they said he didn't look like the Malagasy people he was pleading for - who are generally somewhere between the complexions of sandalwood and ebony and rarely taller than 5' 5".

So before heading off to Nairobi, we began our own star search among the country's 100,000 textile workers.

Ideally she would be a she. She would speak some English, but not so well as to avoid entertaining hesitations and faux pas. She would be a mom and the only provider for her extended family. She would have years of textile experience, beginning on the factory floor. She would have a palpable sense of desperation because she, like everyone else in the industry here, would have no idea where she would go, how she would earn a living or support her family if AGOA for Madagascar were revoked.

A handful of phone calls later, we found her. Felana. A twenty-eight year old single mom of an eleven-year-old boy. The sole support for her younger sisters. Ten years experience in textiles from the cutting tables to middle management. Decent English made even better by a blushing hesitation. Cute as a kitten and not a lot bigger.

She had never been out of Madagascar.

The seriousness of the situation was made clear by the transitional Ministry of Foreign Affairs getting her a passport in less than 24 hours.

We met at the airport. She had never been on a plane before.

We've seen the movies. The ones that take the Big formula and reverse it. Thirty Going on Thirteen, Suddenly Seventeen and probably some others in which an adult suddenly becomes a wide-eyed youth. Hollywood has made it entertaining. Watching it in real life, in real time, was incredibly charming.

So many things that we take for granted, John and I found ourselves thinking about and explaining to Felana. As the flight attendants explained the emergency procedures before take-off, Felana hung on every word. She was remarkably cool but in no way indifferent the way a too-cool teen might be. Whatever John and I might explain - like the route the plane would take, where the toilets were, how she could have whatever she wanted to drink and as much of it as she might like - she would take it in as though we were explaining some new scientific theory, and then she would burst a tremendous irregular smile that at once indicated she got it and that whatever it was was too funny, silly or incomprehensible to really be true.

Although there was no ball and no pumpkin was transformed into a coach, Cinderella's adventure was certainly no less miraculous than Felana's.

In Antananarivo, and in all of Madagascar, there are very, very few miles of more than two-lane roads. Leaving the airport in Nairobi, we were soon stuck in some of the city's notoriously bad traffic, on a six-lane highway. How was this possible? Where was everyone going? Is that their type of local bus? Why was the driver sitting on the wrong side of the car?

Madagascar has exactly one building more than 20 stories high, and it was only just completed. Nairobi has dozens. Antananarivo ("Tana") is one of the world's most difficult to navigate cities, with no parallel roads and impassable rice fields still penetrating right to the heart of town. Downtown Nairobi is a grid pattern. While most first-time visitors to Nairobi might find it chaotic and crowded beyond belief, Felana couldn't get over how disciplined and well-behaved everyone was. She and John checked into the Nairobi Safari Club, an up-scale hotel, with tourists and businesspeople dashing every which way. She'd never been in a hotel before. She'd never dared to enter the Carlton or Colbert, Madagascar's two higher-end hotels.

Despite having gone pretty far on a high school diploma and six months of college, I don't think she'd ever been in a place that had running hot water before.

John explained the breakfast buffet; "You take whatever you want and you can go back as many times as you want."

"Vraiment?"

"Oui. Vraiment."

John and I made the decision to bring someone with us only on the Wednesday before our Saturday departure. The registration deadline had long since passed. On Monday, when I inquired about registering Felana I was told it would be impossible. With Hillary Clinton arriving the following night, all of Nairobi would be on high alert. Sorry, nothing to be done.

Fortunately, the folks organizing the conference were a wee bit behind on the details. Badges hadn't been prepared for hundreds of participants. The following day, we just showed up and told the security folks Felana's badge still wasn't ready. In we went.

Despite being a middle manager, she had never been in a situation where business cards were called for and didn't have any. I took her to a Kenyan equivalent of Kinko's where, yes, they could make them while we waited. Felana, like most Malagasy, has a family name about thirty syllables long and so it took several proofs before the Indian manager of the shop got the spelling right. Each proof gave Felana a chance to ask if she could add something more. Her phone numbers in Tana? Sure. Her personal email address? Why not? How about a flag of Madagascar? No problem.

Twenty minutes later, she had the cards, with the flag, correct spelling and all.

"My grandmother is going to be so proud of me," she said to me as we left the shop.

At every possible opportunity, we drilled on the critical points. That Madagascar was on the verge of an economic meltdown. That the Malagasy leaders didn't care about their own people. That it would be people like her, Felana, single moms, young women, who would suffer any sanctions. We went over and over how and when she should hand out her new business cards.

"Hi. I'm Felana from Madagascar," she would repeat, extending her hand. "Nice to meet you."

At the Forum she must have appeared as exotic as a lemur because quickly she had a coterie of people, okay, men, saying hi to her at every opportunity. Had the conference lasted a month, her dance card would not have had a free spot.

At a cocktail party, we cornered a Congressman critical to our campaign. I found myself trying to explain the Byzantine complexities of the US government, with our different branches of government, the battalions of congressional aides, the lobbyists (half a dozen of whom were present in Nairobi) to Felana, and while I'm not sure I succeeded, she succeeded beautifully.

We had a meeting with three incredibly hard-nosed staff members from the US Trade Representative's office. They had told us specifically not to bring any Malagasy workers. We brought Felana anyway. The transitional government of Madagascar had been disinvited from the conference itself, leaving John, Felana and me as the only attendees from Madagascar, the second largest non-oil player in the AGOA world, among the 1,500 people attending the conference. In our meeting, we placed her directly across from the USTR bureaucrats, people who clearly take their dialysis with ice water. And even though Felana said not a word in our two-hour meeting, the point was made.

Putting her, and those like her, out of work would be like killing Bambi's mother. Again.

We got her in to all the luncheons, each one catered by a different Nairobi five-star hotel and held under a vast tent holding 120 tables for ten. Madagascar is all about rice and perhaps, depending on one's economic status, a bit of meat. Here were regular four and five course meals. Delivered by white-gloved waiters. Salad, soup, main course, dessert, anything you wanted to drink and as much of it as you would like. Heavily starched white linen everywhere. Cutlery on all sides of several plates.

At a cocktail, we struck up a conversation with a very rotund, very chatty, panting Sikh from Mumbai.

"Why does he wear that?"

"What?"

"On his head."

"Because they don't cut their hair. Ever. It's their religion."

"No?"

"Yes."

"No!"

"Yes. His hair is longer than yours. Only his wife sees it."

"Something wrong?"

"No. She's just never seen anyone like you. Our Indians in Madagascar are all Muslims."

"Come," he said, taking her hand and stroking his beard with it.

Smiles all around.

"You know, in our religion, that is prohibited."

She recoiled. In Madagascar, something that is prohibited, or fady, is very very taboo.

"Don't worry," he laughed. "For you, no problem."

The following morning, despite trying every possible angle, we could not get Felana into the plenary session that had the President of Kenya, the Prime Minister of Kenya, the Vice-President of Kenya, the Foreign Minister of Kenya, Hillary Clinton, the US Trade Representative, and the US Secretary of Agriculture all on the same dais. This time the security was tight.

But by the afternoon we had finagled her a badge and that evening we took the elevator boldly to the eighth floor of the Intercontinental where Hillary Clinton would be attending a meeting to announce a new trade accord between the US and Mauritius.

We arrived early enough to get seats in the second row

In a kind of "seen one, seen 'em all" discussion, John had had to clarify that we would be seeing Hillary Clinton, not Bill Clinton who was in North Korea at the time.

"She's coming?"

"Sure."

"Mrs. Clinton?"

"Yes."

"When?"

"She's already here somewhere. When everyone is ready," I said while gesturing to the mob of television cameras and photographers, "they will call her."

"Can I get a picture?"

"I don't know. Maybe. You see those men?" I said gesturing to the square-built fellows with the curly transparent wires going in their ears. "Bodyguards."

"So I shouldn't stand up quickly?"

"That would be a bad idea. You see how they hold their hands?"

"Yes."

"That's to hide their weapons."

"Oh."

By the time Hillary arrived, the small room was strictly SRO. I translated her speech, reminding Felana that this was the woman who Barack Obama had only narrowly defeated and that maybe this was the woman who could still be the first female president of the United States. She was seated no more than ten feet from where we were seated.

"And you were here," I said without needing to add that everyone else in the room was a journalist, minister of government, secretary of government, or some type of titan of industry.

"My grandmother is going to be so proud of me."

That afternoon, we were able to break away from the conference for a few hours. Felana had to get gifts for her boss, grandmother, mother and son. Her son was under the impression that everything outside of Madagascar was free and so was expecting Felana to bring him back an Es-Pay-Deux. It took me a few seconds to noodle it out. I didn't know what an Es-Pay-Deux was. "SP2." Sony Play Station 2.

He would have to settle for t-shirts.

Madagascar has nothing that westerners would recognize as a mall. Tana's two, one-story shopping centers had both been looted earlier in the year. I took Felana to Westgate, Nairobi's latest shopping center, a place as modern and impressive as any multi-story mall in a mid-size American city.

She wanted a coffee. We sat down in the middle of the atrium at the local equivalent of Starbucks. The menu had two pages of coffee drinks, hot and cold. We settle on an iced cappuccino.

After much stirring, she took a sip.

"It's so cold," she said as if expecting that ice outside of Madagascar would not be cold.

I explained that anyone with a laptop could come to this coffee shop and surf the web for free.

"Where are the wires?"

"There are no wires."

Felana uses a computer and the net at work everyday, but not without wires.

"No wires? How does it work?"

"It's a radio or something. We'll have it in Tana soon."

"What's that?"

"What's what?"

"That."

I looked up "escalator" in my cell-phone English-French dictionary. It turns out that in French the word for escalator is escalator.

"What's the other one called?"

"What other one?"

"The other one. The one coming down."

"It's the down escalator."

"The down escalator?"

None of us had brought a real camera to Kenya. With our cell phones we had taken pictures of Felana at the airport, Felana in front of the "Welcome AGOA delegates" banners, Felana by the sculptures of elephants in the shopping centers, Felana with the Congressman, Felana with the Sikh, Felana in front of the huge promotional poster announcing the imminent arrival of "Ice Age 3" at the multi-screen cinema in Westgate (there are no regularly functioning cinemas left in Madagascar). But what she really wanted was a picture of her on the escalator.

We made a jerky video with my phone camera.

"We can never have this in Madagascar," she said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because all the Malagasy will just come to go up and down."

With John and Felana leaving to return to Madagascar the following morning, there were still many things to do and explain. It was, as has been said many times, like living something for the first time, but through someone else's eyes. Yes, she could take all the little bottles of soap, shampoo and conditioner at the hotel. Really? Really. They are like gifts. You are sure? Yes, I'm sure.

But not the towels. You can't take the towels.

We discussed again and again why everything in Kenya was two to five times more expensive than in Madagascar. And why a cell phone chip that is pretty much free in the Madagascar (and comes with a new phone and an hour of calling time to boot) costs at least $25 in the United States if not much more. We talked about the drive-in movie theater we passed on the way into town from the airport. We drove past the Nairobi Arboretum. A park for trees? I explained that several times from several angles. A park for trees. Nope. Couldn't make sense of that.

Still, by the time we left, Felana was nearly a cosmopolitan, confidently handing out her new business cards and approaching the breakfast buffet without hesitation. One day, however, John and I had to leave her to her own devices and the waiter's question had stymied her.

Did she want black coffee or white coffee?

She thought the waiter was trying to trick her. White coffee? Madagascar grows coffee. She knows what color coffee is.

They went back and forth until it clicked. White coffee. Café au lait.

In the taxi, on our way from the shopping center to the function with Hillary, she said to me, "If I asked for white coffee in Madagascar, people would think I was crazy."

Then she threw back her head and laughed.

Her grandmother would be so proud.

On December 23, 2009, following the unanimous recommendation of the AGOA evaluation committee, President Obama decertified Madagascar from AGOA eligibility for 2010. Meanwhile, outstanding examples of democratic process and rule of law such as Nigeria, Angola, Gabon, the Democratic Republic of the Congo and Kenya remain AGOA eligible.

As a result of this decision, Felana and tens of thousands of others like her will soon be out of work.

Not one member of the seven-person AGOA evaluation committee visited Madagascar during 2009 to assess the situation in person.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Closer She Gets


US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was impressed by our capital city, Nairobi. She was particularly impressed by the city's hairdressers. "My hairdos have been the subject of Ph.D. theses, so I want everyone to know I got a good one in Nairobi," she said.

The Standard of Nairobi, August 6, 2009

Clinton: "Yes, you, there in the back."

Male student: "Thank you Madame Secretary. Malcolm Kikwai, Ph.D. candidate, University of Nairobi, Institute of Anthropology, Gender and African Studies. My question for you, Madame Secretary, is that President Obama has called for closer ties with the African continent, yet so far we have seen little evidence of this. Do you anticipate that the President might, sometime in the near future, grow his hair out in a natural as a way of promoting solidarity with our continent?"

Clinton (smiling, bemused): "Thank you for that very innovative question. Of course, my purpose in coming to Africa has been to emphasize the need for enhanced understanding and collaboration between the United States and your great continent, for protection of African women against the horrors of conflict-based abuse and rape, and for better governance for all. President Obama and I did not discuss whether his support for this agenda might manifest itself in an Afro. However I'll be sure to bring this up with him when I return to Washington."

(Approving laughter ripples through Kenyatta International Conference Center.)

Clinton: "Yes, over there…"

Male student: "Endalkachew Gebresilasie, Ph.D. candidate, Addis Ababa University, Aklilu Lemma Institute of Pathobiology. Mrs. Clinton, across our great continent, elders are respected for their wisdom. In our country, the Oromo people say, 'Gray hair, even the pagans respect it.' Yet news reports from your country indicate that President Obama's hints of gray were considered somehow shameful. In your country does 'No Play for Mr. Gray' apply even to those occupying the highest heights of statehood?"

Clinton: "Well, ah, yes, as you know, I was able, for eight years, to observe the stresses and strains, the toll of occupying the world's most powerful office, but, having observed President Obama for many years now, first as fellow members of the Senate, then as adversaries on the campaign trail and, more recently, on the White House basketball court as well as in the cabinet room, I would say that 'No Play for Mr. Gray' simply does not apply in the President's case." (Puts hand to forehead to screen out television lights and peers around conference hall.) "Now perhaps we could have a question less to do with hair care and more with the status of US-Africa relations. Yes, the lady on the left."

Female student (in charming, French-accented English): "Harisoa Razafintsalama, Université d'Antananarivo, Madagascar. Candidat doctorat in media studies and economic development. Votre Excellence, please you to forgive my English. Many people in my country appreciate Monsieur Obama very much but we think he knows Madagascar only as a movie and not as a country."

Clinton: "Is that Madagascar One or Madagascar Two?"

(Knowing laughter sweeps through the conference hall. Clinton has them eating out of her hand.)

Razafintsalama (continuing): "If Monsieur le Président cannot - how you say - rendre visite to Madagascar, please my fellow students, female mostly, wish to know one thing?"

Clinton (curious): "Yes?"

Razafintsalama: "Would you say, Madame le Secrétaire, that in the case of Monsieur le Président, it is true (hesitates, looks down at notes) that 'The closer he gets, the better he looks'?"

Clinton (amused): "Without going into much detail, I would say that, yes, I agree President Obama is a good looking man and upon close inspection he looks, well, kind of hot."

(More laughter in the conference center. Many delegates elbow each other in the ribs.)

Clinton: "Yes, over there. By the metal detectors."

Female student: "Betty Achu, Ph.D. candidate, University of Ghana/Legon, faculty of social studies. Madame Clinton, the ancestral roots of your immediate predecessors, Secretaries of State Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell, had their origins deep in our African soil. Concomitantly, their roots were dark and, some have suggested, that their personalities were dark as well. Would you agree, therefore, with the expression 'If I only have one life to live, let me live it as a blonde'?"

Clinton (momentarily stymied): "With all due respect to brunettes, redheads, those with black hair and those with no hair, Yes, I would rather live life as a blonde. Now if we could move the discussion toward…"

Achu (interjecting): "So you would then agree with the statement 'Blondes have more fun'?"

Clinton (wringing hands): "Yes, comparing my experience with that of my predecessors, I would say as far as being Secretary of State of the United States of America is concerned, blondes do have more fun." (Gesturing to the first row and a man with his hand raised high in the air.) "Yes, I hope you have a question that doesn't concern hair care."

Male student: "Moses Kwetchu, also from University of Ghana/Legon, juris doctorate candidate. My question concerns the protection of intellectual property rights."

Clinton (lightening up, chuckles): "Thank goodness."

Kwetchu: "Madame Secretary, beginning in the 1960s, Ghanaian barbershop sign painting was recognized as an art form worthy of prominent display in some of the world's greatest modern art museums. Many consider this oeuvre to be not only part of our national patrimony but protected intellectual property as well. However, Chinese knock-offs have flooded the market recently, destroying the livelihood of thousands of Ghanaians. We are concerned that - as regards barbershop sign art - the Chinese seek world hegemony. The World Trade Organization has refused to hear our case. Can our displaced artists count on you?"

Clinton: "The United States of America is always ready to help any nation defend its legitimate claims regarding intellectual property. Yes, over there. In the beautiful print dress and the hair wrap thing-ee."

Female student: "Fanta Kromah, Université de Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso, candidate doctorat, faculté de filmographie et le diaspora." (Begins speaking African language. Secretary Clinton nods knowingly while waiting for translation.)

Translator: "Thank you Your Excellency for your graciousness today. In the film There's Something about Monica there is a scene in which the female protagonist…"

(Furor erupts among Secretary Clinton's staff and press corps. Translator stops translating, looks around helplessly.)

Clinton (livid): "Something about Monica? Something about Monica! You wanna talk about Monica, I suggest you call my husband and tell him that North Korea isn't the only place he can go. And while you are at it, you can…"

(Clinton aide tugs Secretary away from the podium while placing hand over microphone. Various officials confab with the translator who appears badly shaken.)

Translator (returns to podium, sweating profusely): "Excuse me, Madame Secretary. I misunderstood Miss Kromah's question which concerns the film There's Something About Mary."

Clinton (returning to podium. Tosses head to and fro in the style of a boxer loosening up, about to enter the ring.): "Yes…"

Kromah (resumes her question in African language).

Translator: "In the film There's Something about Mary, there is a scene in which the female protagonist takes a substance off the ear of the male protagonist and applies it to her hair. The effect, which leaves the hair rigid and gravity-defying, is one that has been used by African tribes since long before the advent of Hollywood and even the development of so-called western nations. We consider this use of our cultural heritage in the profit of a 'cheap laugh' to be unlawful expropriation of our African traditions and request that the United States…"

Clinton (cutting him off, impatient): "Yes, yes, yes. The United States stands ready to help Africa defend its intellectual property rights - as regards its traditions, native hair care products and hair care-related art. Now could we move on? Please."

Clinton aide: "We have just a few more minutes with the Secretary. Perhaps we could have a few questions of concern to the larger African community. Thank you. The young lady way way in the back."

Young lady: "Thank you. Constance Weah, University of Liberia, Ph.D. candidate, Ibrahim B. Babangida Graduate School for International Relations. My question for the Secretary concerns US - North Korean relations. My question is very simple; Does he or doesn't he?"

Clinton (perplexed): "Does he or doesn't he what?"

Weah: "You know, color his hair."

Clinton (aggressive, perturbed): "Who?"

Weah: "Kim Jong-il."

Clinton (losing it): "How the (expletive deleted) should I know if Kim Jong-il colors his hair? For all I know, his hair could be frigging radioactive."

Weah (unperturbed by the Secretary's evident hostility to her line of questioning): "Yes, but recently your husband had a chance to observe Mr. Kim at close range and so I thought that he may have shared his observations with you."

Clinton (Dumbfounded. Mouth is moving, but no words are issued.)

Weah (seizing the opportunity to continue): "And in addition to learning your husband's thoughts about whether Mr. Kim does or doesn't, I would like to know if Mr. Kim shared with Mr. Clinton any information about whether Mr. Kim's coiffure was inspired by Elvis, Johnny Cash, James Dean, Porter Wagoner, Johnny Hallyday or (looks down, refers to notes) Amy Winehouse."

Clinton (fingers now snow white and bloodless from clutching podium, babbles incoherently to self before abandoning all traces of diplomatic restraint): "Do I give a (expletive deleted) about my (expletive deleted) husband and a (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) deranged (expletive deleted) sociopath and their (expletive deleted) hair styles? I am the (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) Secretary of State and not some bubbled headed bleach blonde Breck girl for your (expletive deleted) information."

(Clinton aide approaches the Secretary with propeller-equipped spray bottle and attempts to cool the Secretary down. The Secretary unleashes a devastating right jab to jaw of aide who collapses in a heap. Secret Service agents storm the dais.)

Clinton (striking Bruce Lee, kung-fu pose): "Back off (plural expletive deleted)!"

Clinton (to audience, while jogging in place behind podium): "Alright, alright, you (expletive deleted) bring it on. Bring it ON!"

Female student (timidly): "Cornelia Ndimurukundo, Ph.D. candidate, Université du Burundi, long molecule polymer chemistry."

Clinton (still bobbing in place, turns to revivified aide and accepts a thorough spritzing followed by a pat down): "It's wonderful to see an African woman studying science. Africa, the world, needs more women like you."

Ndimurukundo: "Thank you, Madame Secretary. Your trip to Africa, and indeed your travels around the world, are inspiring to disadvantaged women everywhere. We cannot help but notice that no matter how challenging your schedule is, no matter how intransigent your adversaries are, you never seem to have a single hair out of place. Would you, therefore, agree with the statement 'A little dab'll do ya'?"

(Clinton, suddenly berserk, mosh dives off the dais and lunges for Ndimurukundo. Several minutes pass before Secret Service agents are able pry the last of the Secretary's fingers from Ndimurukundu's throat.)

Clinton aide: "The Secretary has time for just one more question, which, I think, in all fairness, we should reserve for our gracious Kenyan hosts. Yes, you sir…"

Male student: "Hiten Muchiri, Jomo Kenyatta University of Agriculture and Technology. Ph.D. candidate in urban transportation. Your Excellency, Madame Secretary, our great capital, Nairobi, suffers from terrible traffic congestion. Some see this as a sign of our robust economy. Others see this as a failure, of Africa simply following the environmentally destructive path trodden by the West. In any case, I am very happy regarding your visit, but many of my fellow Kenyans felt that your presence, your motorcade, your moving about, did not warrant the closing of dozens of streets which prevented thousands of people from getting to work, and, in general, has been a nuisance. Can you explain to the average Kenyan, who, with all due respect, thought it was your husband who was visiting Nairobi and not yourself, why all this trouble was necessary?"

Clinton (pauses, stares daggers): "Yeah, I'll tell you why (expletive deleted). Because I'm (expletive deleted) worth it, that's why."

Clinton (storming off dais, to aide): "Okay, can we get the (expletive deleted) out of here? I need a touch up."